"I Wish I Could Live on Air and Music"

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 05:57:13 GMT

My life is completely different than it was a month ago. I lost some of my important friends. Got back another important friend. Became a devoted girlfriend. Became disgusted with high school. My perspectives on a lot of different things have changed in a lot of ways. I understand that I've changed too. I never expected that the slightly altered person I have become would affect such friendships that I always believed to be unbreakable. I never expected that someone who I always believed would accept me suddenly doesn't seem to care as much as they used to. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster...it's up in some parts of my life and down in others. I don't know how to make sense of everything anymore. I just thought people were different...I just though high school was different. But it's a dirty dark place. I go to my classes...I make it through so that I can graduate. Other than lunch with whitney sometimes, it's really rough. My locker partners don't even really look at me anymore...I've disgraced them, in thier eyes, and am no longer acceptable to them. I'm not worth the time it takes to acknowledge me and say hello. I'm not worthy of anything. So I moved out of that...it's ruining my days even more. Girls only dress up for one another...to be competative bitches and not really give a shit about boys- like they say. Everything is such a cover. I know exactly where I'm coming from when I say this but...I understand vanessa so much more right now than I did a few months ago. I was bitter towards her and hurt by her abandonment...but it's all so very clear to me now. She was already done with the high school scene long before I realized how pathetic it is. And now I owe her an apology. I think one day other people will realize all this too...I've matured and grown up over the last few months...and I will believe its for the better. I can only imagine what others are going to say in response to this post behind my back...because I probably would've said the same things too. Life is just really different...but I'm really happy with the majority of it. I am hurt that I lost megan- for whatever reasons and whosever fault- details are touchy- but i will miss her everyday...and i mean that- more than I mean anything else i just said. But I'm really glad that whitney and I worked everything out. I was scared to talk to her...and believed what I did was right, and therefore we could probably never get things right again. But we worked things out- and agreed on a lot of things. Other than that...i'm happy. i'm content. i'm getting by. i'll be alright.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 18:58:12 GMT

wow- it's been a long time since i've wrote anything on here...and so much shit has happened. it's insane that in a matter of weeks life can change so much. i suppose it happens all the time...and every week is different then the one before...but it's not something i've noticed so heavily until now. i love bike riding. it's so great. i have a badass bike named Ace (cus it's a ventura model) and it's so pimp. i love it. except hills really suck. "we're gonna be in shape stoners" adam said...haha too bad he won't be because his has an engine. motorized bike...haha-that rocks. adam would. i became a pot head...and then slowed down. haven't smoked in four days...but probably doin' it this weekend. i kinda knew it was getting to heavy and that it wasn't neccessary. it's more fun to do it on weekends when your with your friends...or on a killer badass stoned bike ride. those rock. i didn't mean to make megan feel second best or that she was more important...but i knew i was doing it all along- and just didn't see her persepctive fully. it's a two-way street on that argument and we comprimised the best we could. and now i feel so much better and more comfortable knowing things are okay between us again. it felt wierd knowing that she was so upset with me...but usually i was high anyways. i went to new york with my dad which was intense. my papa has alzhiemers...and it's super sad. i haven't seen him in 4 years...and he could barely remember my name. he asked me the same questions over and over again...and it was just super sad. he had no idea that i had a brother- that my dad had a son. one time he said, "everyone is here but me" when the whole family was over. it broke my heart that he's so concious of his condition. of all the things you can die from- that's gotta be one of the worst. even if your in prime physical condition- if you have no mind or real thought processes...what's the point? i can't imagine waking up and having no idea who i was, how i got there or anything about my life. dying without any trace of memory or what happened over the last 80 years. not a clue about life at all. and that's happening to my grandpa. it happened right before my eyes...it's so sad- and there's nothing anyone can do. kris and i seemed to be over and started up again before i realized it- and then over again with someone new just as fast. tyler is cool...i get along with him really well...but i had to laugh at his silk button-down the other night. he cracks me up. he has a bitchin' car. meh- we'll see. i want bobby. he's so hot. i want to be on him. too bad for me! story of my life. start my photo class next week. real excited. i'm gonna take so many pictures of dylan and kristopher. mmm can't wait. this was probably real boring to read. barely any emotion in it- but it was just an update during 6th period. i hate those abortion trucks down town. they nearly made me cry really hard. i well up every time i see them. i feel nauseous even thinking about it. that's so wrong, it's so very wrong to abuse that right. "extremely distasteful" as brian webb said yesterday when we hung out. i'm pretty sure he knows- he acted like it. meh. i miss my brother so much. it's something that i can't get used to. and he's moving in a month or so. hmm...nothign will change...nothing has changed. "i'm trapped in a boom-box of emotion. stored away in the attic. i'm only storage" remember that adam and whitney? its crazy...exactly how i feel about my relationship with nick now. we had no idea that the silly things we were saying held so much meaning. nuts. can't wait for this weekend. time to get crunk.
yay-yeh!

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 01:02:40 GMT

To those of you who read that last entry, which i now deleated...disregard it. I'm a moron who gets overly excited over absolutely nothing. I feel so stupid. Why do i always do this to myself? god damnit...horrible way to start off my senior year.

on a lighter note and new subject- i'm so glad that i'm cool with everyone now. even though i'm pretty sure megan only called me to get all her shit back- it's cool. at least we're talking- and i had a good time with her for the half hour i did get to see her. i'm bummed she didn't call me last night to hang out though. oh well. it's really nice that whitney and i are talking again too...i really forgot how cool she is and how much fun we have together. she's tight...i love that girl. last night we got really faded- and it was a blast...that's the right way to start the school year- only it would've been a million times better had meg been able to stay and get sloshed with us. but it's okay- we'll have MANY other nights together! school tommorow...crazy. tommorow will be my last first day of high school. that's so badass. i'm definitely gettin' fucked up somehow at school tommorow. that'll be even more badass. i'm excited to see everyone and who's in my classes- it'll add a little excitement to my life.

Confused

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 06:13:38 GMT

So- whoever posted that comment is pretty much always on my mind. It's obviously one of the girls. I don't think it's vanessa because i have talked about her on live-journal before and i can tell she just doesn't give a shit. And I have talked about the other girls before when we were all getting along really well- i always talked about how great it was to have such an amazing circle of friends. So...i'm kinda lost. But...i do see thier side of it. I don't talk about meg-ma and whitney as much as i talk about megan. And i see what you're saying when you said that i have other friends too. but not lately. you guys certainly haven't been around. and once again, i didn't try to push you out of my life- you pushed me out just as much too. and i apologize if i talk more about megan than you guys- but she has been the only friend i've ever had in my life that hasn't fucked with me somehow. she has NEVER lied to me or put me through any type of shit. Not saying that you guys do it all the time- but it's certainly happened. i know that i can always depend on megan because she's never given me a single reason not to. simple as that. i care about you girls very much- and you can ask anyone that i'm so hurt that i've lost some of my friends this summer. i completely agree that i have other friends- not just megan as my best friend- i agree. and i feel it too- because i care about you sooo incredibely much. you're both amazing in your individual ways and that's why i've always remained friends with you...well until now- i guess. this has been really hard because i care so much. i don't know how many different ways i can say that. i don't know what i can say at all anymore. i miss you. sincerely- i do. i'm just stubborn. and so are you.

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 23:00:59 GMT

just got back from new mexico. i had a lot of fun. i had never traveled with meg before and it was a different experience but i think we learned more about one another and i definitely feel closer to her than ever. on the drive home i was staring at these clouds that looked perfect, directly out of a o'keefe painting, and just felt that sharp twinge of complete happiness. every now and again i feel it...that rare and completely pure emotion. It wasn't fake...i couldn't help but smile to myself and with my own thoughts...i just felt completely happy. there was no place i'd rather be- nothing i'd rather be doing- and no one i'd rather be with. i started thinking about how much i've changed in the last year...and how much i've grown up. what i used to be like- and what i'm like now. how different all my summer's have been from one another...and that my second to last one- is approacing a close. Thought about all i've been through, what i've put myself through- and what i've simply been subjected to. I thought about my awful relationships...but how much i got out of them...my "february experience" as i call it...and how painful that still is. It came to me that i never think about that- purposely to avoid the constant pain i deal with daily from that experience. It's too hard to even think about...i'd rather just forget about it- although it's not possible. Then i thought about the friends i've lost...and the pain of that. But realized that over the course of the year i've changed SO much. I might as well be a completely different person...and that maybe it just took some of my friends longer to go through that type of change- and that now after they've changed too- i just don't fit in to thier lives anymore. I need to stop being selfish and just accept that it happens. I suppose it just makes me sad because i never pushed one of them out of my life. But everyone's different i suppose. hmm. i don't even really know where i was going with that- but the trip was amazing. i really had a lot of fun- and got some super-cool shit. and more importantly - i learned more about myself and my best friend....i can't think how the trip could've been any better.

upset

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 08:53:48 GMT

We "did lunch" on friday. vanessa and i. and it was just as it sounds...very formal and buisness-like. there didn't seem to be any emotion between the two of us anymore. like suddenly the bizarre connection we used to have got cut short. we didn't laugh. which used to be rare. she told me, "i just love the people i hang out with now". ouch. she doesn't hang out with me- which says it all. suddenly her new friends are better than me...and she's having a great or better time than she did when we used to hang out. ouch. what's wrong with me? what makes them better? what makes me no longer good enough? she used to make me feel special and unique...now she acts as if she's as it's a priveledge to see her. and it used to be. but not anymore. not when she's this new person. not when she's changed so much. i can't put my finger on how she's different exactly or how our relationship changed...but it did. i know that for sure. everything is just completely different. she said, "it's funny how all of us kinda split apart." well i'm not laughing...and if she is- well then that sucks. because i'm super hurt and crying. i responded, "everyone split apart from me" and she said that's not true. except it is...she just doesn't want to admit she did it too. i'm so hurt. a piece of me has died. in her. in that friendship that no longer has meaning. the rememberance of it does...but i see no future. it hit me that was probably the last time i'll ever hang out with her...we'll talk, we'll be aquaintances...but we won't be friends. which sucks...i can't let myself realize this and let go. it's too hard. after all i've done, and all i've given to that girl. i have never left her side and the times when i did hurt her i was so sorry and promised it would never happen again- and it didn't. i thought i meant so much to her...now i'm an obligation. she still cares enough to try and make the effort to see me in the attempt to not make me feel forgotten...but it's definitely too late. it feels horrible. she has a new life- that she's happier in- and i'm not invited. i'm really glad that she's happy though- she definitely deserves it- i really want her to be happy. it just sucks that i can't be the friend to do that anymore. i never imagined this would be so hard...and it would hurt so bad- but it does. "if i told you this was killing me, would you even stop?"

plus on top of all this shit...i'm so pissed that i got in a car accident. my car is mangled and i have to wait to get it fixed. it probably won't get fixed till i get back from my trip with megan...which sucks really bad because we had so many plans. concerts, film on the rocks, baseball games, fort collins, now it seems impossible. and it sucks. i'm just so glad it wasn't any worse. because it easily could've been. the first thing i thought of was, "im so glad megs not here". if she was in the car and the situation was any worse...it would've been her that got hurt not me. and i'm so glad she wasn't there. you just have to be thankful no one got hurt....i don't know what i would've done with myself. it's just a car...something material- and it's getting fixed. so it'll be okay. i can't wait to see danielle tommorow and see her new puppy! she's one of the most amazing people i know- and i've missed her a lot this summer. i'm so glad we talked today- it meant a lot. more than she realizes i'm sure.

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 08:53:49 GMT

Time just dissolves. It's like these particles are swirling away. It's like i'm living fast, or time is, but never both simultaneously.

Either I feel like i'm doing too much at one time and I don't have the time to control it, or time is completely passing me by without my acknowledgement of it. But never can i seem to balance it out.

It's funny that every seven years every cell in our body has completely regenerated...so we have basically been made over and become new people several times over. Technically that is, in terms of biology. It's crazy that throughout all that regeneration we can still remain the same people because of the experiences and our ability of memory. We don't actually become new people...only the superficial part of us is made new.

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 02:02:29 GMT

In my last post i recieved a comment that told me not to be a dreamer, because dreamers always chase thier dreams and never get them. However, I think that's the worst thing to say to anybody. Don't dream. You won't get anywhere. You'll search your whole life chasing your dream but it will never get accomplished. I understand what you're saying that with all thought and no action you will never end up anywhere...however without any dreams- you will have no place to base any action. Everyone should be a dreamer...dream of new worlds and new opportunities...new ways to change things. Without dreamers, our world would be a horrible, unconstant, and rarely positive changing place. Dreamers are to be required...and i enjoy being one of them. I have many dreams, but I also have huge intentions on achieving every single one of them.

Because if the world that we are forced to accept is false and nothing is true, then everything is possible. And only dreamers can discover these possibilities.

The world is an exam to see if we can rise into direct experience. Our eyesight is here as a test to see if we can see beyond it.

I don't want to be an ant

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 01:16:36 GMT

I don't want to be an ant
you know?
I mean it's like we go through life with our antenna's bouncing off one another, continuously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically four survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?" "Credit or debit?" "Want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up.
I don't want to be an ant.
You know?

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 01:12:16 GMT

Mobes said he saw vanessa last night
at an art show
with two girls he didn't know
she claims she's "really into that stuff now"
i haven't been convinced
i think she's realized that she's not the most well-rounded person
but is that such a bad thing
some people don't grow up being deep thinkers
or enjoying art
and creative music
some others do
i think she's trying to force her personality to become more "artsy"
and in turn...
it's making me like her a little less
because now she believes she's better
that her life is richer because she goes to an art show
and a couple concerts
i've been doing that shit since i was little-
but i don't rub it in people's faces
suddenly us girls aren't good enough for her new life
her new artistic life
we don't fit in
she probably labels us as too stereotypical
obviously she never knew me at all then
obviously she only looks at things for thier superficial nature
which,
if that's true
she will never be truely "artsy"
and will bring shame to those that are
because she will be faking it
a poser
good luck with that
in the meantime...
just leave those that really care
and really know who you are
behind
that's cool
i don't know if i'll be here when you return

Lost and Hurt

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 03:05:28 GMT

I wish there was a word to explain them
But i suppose there just aren't describing words to put as a label for inconsiderate people
They say i don't care
They say i never call
But yet, they're not in the wrong
I suffer all the blame
They said they called
I know better.
Unless my phone is a liar
It hurts me
Because i do care
and I would've called
had i the time
They never stopped to think of anyone but themselves
They're only concerned on how they're being fulfilled
And don't even pause to consider what they've ever given me
I've been in class. with 5 hours of homework a night
My priority was focused on my schooling
And because of that...they consider it selfish
And perhaps it is- but i take pride in education
And, is that selfish? To educate yourself?
I guess they think so

I suppose i can understand thier frustration
I've been there too
I know that i do spend more time around megan than the other girls
But that's only because i trust her more than i've ever trusted anyone
She knows absolutely everything about me-
she's the only person that does
And probably the only person that ever will
And the reason is
she's the only one who's never betrayed me
never lied to me
never been dishonest
cruel
hurtful
or
backstabbing.
They, however, have
and that's their fault that i'm just naturally closer to meg
I'm stuck in a bad position
I do love those girls
and I definitely care about them
And I don't know how to make it more obvious
I've done absolutely everything for them
and will continue to do so
because that's the type of person i am
I don't answer my phone for one night- accidentally
and she hates me
but yet she can ruin my life by telling the biggest secret i've ever had during the most crucial and depressing times of my life...
and i can forgive her so easily...because i know it's not worth it?
How does that work?
How is that fair?
I just don't understand them
And they don't understand me
at least not as well as we all pretend
Two less people to hang out with
But i suppose i'd rather hang out by myself
than hang out with people that believe i don't care
when i don't realize what i've done
I really wish they want to talk about it
but i suppose they're too "mature" for that
too bad i know better
too bad it's the opposite
they talk so much about the importance of communication
but when it comes down to it...
they don't even practice what they preach
I don't want this to be how i start of my year
it's bullshit
i'm lost and hurt
i just want to talk about it

am i being completely nieve?

I hate Bush

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 08:06:29 GMT

I really hope that Bush doesn't get re-elected. I have had this feeling from the get-go that he will though. Simply because of the fact that there are a lot of ignorant and arrogant republicans that are infascinated with our president. Not to say that there are some good repsectable republicans, because there are for sure. However lately i have just realized specific reasons of why i don't like bush. I've never favored him particularly- as it's hard for me to favor any conservative republican. Because of my personal opinions towards gay rights, civil rights, health care, and the war I am just a very biased democrat, which i am willing to admit. Currently the topic of same-sex marriage has just really fired some emotions within me. Bush has said that, "The union of a man and a woman in marriage is the most enduring and important human institution". Is this not true? yes, i believe that marriage is one of the most vital of all human institutions...but why of only a man and a woman? Since when do human institutions only apply to a specific people? Now, it is one thing to simply be against gay marriage...because in this country everyone is entitled to thier own opinion-thank goodness. However, it is a completely different subject to want to amend the constitution to prohibit same-sex marriage. Good lord- does our president even understand what the constitution is about at all? It was created in order to provide the country with basic guidlines and to allow natural and federal rights to its citizens. So now they're trying to amend it to roll back some rights? How does that fit? The constitution is a document in which rights are to be added to the nation as a whole or a specific grouping of people, not to take away someones personal choice- which is a human right, is it not? And he's being such a cheap-shot about the whole situation. Bush's advisors said that, "the president was seeking to come across as opposing gay marriage but not as anti-gay". And it's funny because he's completely failing. Instead, he's just looking more moronic and indecisive than ever before. How you can be against gay marriage but still claim to support gays is troubling and a confusing concept to me. He completely avoids the subject in public affairs so that it won't hurt what he thinks is a good image of himself. Furthur is his beliefs on this war. Too much can be said about all of this that i don't want to waste my time on what so many already know. However, about 8 days ago the Senate Intelligence Committee said that, "the administrations belief that Sadaam had chemical and biological weapons and was working to make nuclear weapons was wrong, based on false or overstated CIA analyses". Huh. This should trouble all citizens. What should be of furthur concern is that in a recent speech that Bush gave in Tennesee, he said over eight times within his speech that "America is safer" because of this war in Iraq. Which i suppose can be true...but wasn't it Afghanistan that fucked with us? Bush seems so adiment about protecting the world from nuclear weapons when in fact there are more of them now, the two years after Sept.11, than there were two years prior. North Korea for example has been highly overlooked in this area, which is to thier advantage, and unfortunately to the worlds disadvantage because they currently have four times as many nuclear weapons than they did before september eleventh- along with many many other countries who have been reported to have similar statistics. Whether this is due to simply technological advances, a mattter of time or whatnot- there are still more nuclear weapons than there were before, and our supposed extreme efforts to stop this hasn't done a whole lot. I believe it's a great cause and to much of America's concern but obviously it has been much more overlooked than the republican party likes to admit. To furthur conclude that Bush is careless, is his attitude toward minorites. The last time Bush has ever directed a speech or anything toward a minority group was four years ago at the beginning of his campaign in 2000. And the only reason why he spoke to them was because he was being accussed of showing little empathy towards James Byrd when he was dragged to death in Texas- which everyone can imagine was seriously hurting his campaign. Last week bush was to have an adress with the NAACP, a highly sophisticated minority/black oriented organization. He didn't show up. Blew it off. This is not only disrepectful to the people who actually decided they were going to hear him out, but also to the culture as a whole. Many blacks in that organization have called bush an "illegal president" and compare his views on anti-abortion to that of the Taliban. It certainly wasn't the wisest decision to blow off an entire culture that practically already hates him. Daddy's little angel. The unemployment rate is 10% for blacks which is doubled compared to the unemployment rate for whites. I wonder why this is. Granted, it's very difficult to run a country and every president will ALWAYS have someone or some party against them. I have to respect our president because he hasn't completely fucked everything up...but i don't believe he's made things a whole lot better either. On the other hand, i think our country is in desperate need of improvement and in order to acquire that gain we need a new president who is more focused on uniting our country; not only uniting the people of the country together, but also making it more united with the rest of the world. Without this, it will just furthur create a downward spiral of mistakes that could cause serious harm to future generations.

blah

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 07:52:58 GMT

i'm so stressed out. my professor expects me to memorize and understand 300 terms by friday for a huge exam. i just started yesterday. i'm completely lost and pissed off. why is it neccessary for me to understand what "computer assisted testing" is? good god. i'm angry. i got an A on my first college paper though. i'm proud of that- it came as a shock but made me feel good...hopefully the good feeling from the paper will counterreact with the bad grade feeling from my test. i slept most of the time megan was over today. my bad- i don't know what's going on. sleep just makes me feel better. away from it all. sometimes it sucks when you have to wake up- sleep just feels so good- so comforting. i'm feeling very creative lately. which is always a fun mood to be in- i cut up one of my new shirts and it turned out good- i'm planning on cutting up everything now. i had a job interview today- which was exciting. if i get it i'm gonna be packing in the moola. it's ridiculous how much money i can be making. and it's sweet because it's all independent marketing work. you guys should all buy shit from me when i start. i have another more formal informational meeting on tuesday- which is exciting. she said i can bring a friend if anyone's seriously interested. it's buisness atire- which excites me for some reason. i haven't cared a whole lot about clothes lately so it'll be fun to get dressed up- maybe it'll make me feel better about myself. hopefully not worse. i hope danielle wins homecoming queen. i love pink fingernails. i'm tired of my cough. i want to go somewhere. now. do something...i wanna go up to the mountains or palmer park or somewhere and just hang out. it sounds like a good time to just be with friends. anyone down to look at the skyline forever and just chill- perhaps play some word games? tommorow night is supposed to be warm. ooo- maybe that calls for camping in the backyard.

Fun-tastic Fourth!

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 06:16:22 GMT

last night was certainly a great time. we were pretty plastered by 8:00 which was awckward being drunk in the daylight hours, but still awesome. the fireworks tripped my drunk-ass out. i was laying on my back squealing in the excitement/fear/love of it all. it was one of the best nights i've had in a while- definitely a relief from all the stress of class. i still feel stuck in this mood of feeling so unsatisfied. my friends are great for the most part (well megan is consistently outstanding) but- it's just life in general just doesn't seem right. i don't feel right. except i don't know what "feeling right" is...so i don't know how to obtain that level of fulfillment. and i don't think it's boys- because i'm at that point where i just really don't care. it seems to change daily- but for the most part it just seems that if i'm seeking satisfaction- boys are the single biggest factor that can make me feel uncertain about everything. i just don't feel like focusing on achieving someones approval and worrying about fufilling thier needs as well. however, if someone does come along i'm more than willing to take the opportunity...but i'm just sick of setting myself up. we'll just wait and see what happens...it's nothing of my concern. what happens, happens. and i'm content with that. so what is it that's making me feel melancholic? i suppose it's simple- i'm not supposed to know the answer and it's my purpose to figure it out and that's what will make my life better. ehh...now i'm just speaking nonsense. jeez. confusion.

Huh

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 16:58:35 GMT

i didnt expect this class to be this hard. the topics are very interesting, but the work in ridiculous. i spend almost 4 to 5 hours a night just getting the reading and notes done. i slacked off a little one night and didn't read one of the chapters, and it sucks because you use everything you read the next day in class. the professor just has the expectation that you'll do it. it sucks. i'm unmotivated usually but especially in the summer. oh well, i have to pull through- so it's cool. at least i only have two weeks yet- and then shit will be way good. me and a couple of my friends are going to my ranch and santa fe the week after my class is done and we're planning on going down to the flea market and stuff. it should be a blast- i really just want meg to come because i know how much fun we'll have. i dont really want to make it a "group activity" because i think that would be bad news. i can just see us now getting jealous over all the money megan's parents give her, us arguing over who saw what first. actually i can only see that if megan and whitney came. hmm- oh well. my mom is taking us so i'm sure she'll regulate. i've been having a good time lately with meg- not that i've ever had a bad time with her. i'm just glad that things are back to the way they were- and now that they are i realize what she was saying about how they changed. it was never intentional but sometimes things happen. thank god it was only for a couple weeks and not for a way long time. i have no idea what i would ever do without meg...she's given me more than any other person i've ever met. she's the most giving and gracious person too and those are hard to come across. she has so much potential and i can't wait to see how far she'll go. she's just the most amazing person in so many ways- gotta love that.

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 06:44:00 GMT

Korey- I'm anticipating that discussion. talking with you is always so intriguing- you provoke so many of my thoughts.

first day of class. pretty scary. i'm partnered with this kid from Lawrence College which is beautiful. he kinda creeps me out- but I suppose I was so nervous today I didn't give him much of a chance. he seems very nice- and intelligent so hopefully he'll be of help to me and my grade. i can tell how interesting this class is going to be- i already learned so much today and it was all so interesting. i wish i knew someone super interested in this material because the conversations would be awesome. we have to go to this children's daycare center tommorow and observe children of different ages playing. there's all sorts of different ways children play independentally and together so it'll be interesting to watch that through scienctific eyes and interpret it. i'm so glad i've spent more time with megan lately...i almost forgot how happy she makes me. just the sight of her today when i picked her up was enough to make both of us estatic to tears- how funny. i love that girl to death. i also got my new car audio system today- very exciting. i felt like such a badass bumpin' it up. but i would- so that's okay. i'll get over it.

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 06:38:25 GMT

huh. that last entry was wierd. I remember how I was feeling when I wrote that- but re-reading it I feel foolish. I saw farenheit 9/11 today. It was amazing. Great stuff- everyone should see that. I start my college class tommorow at CC. yikes. pretty nervous about that. oh well. I'll learn a lot from it- and my mom says that it'll be a lot more fun than I'm expecting. it'll be a lot of work too- but I'm hoping I meet some cool people and learn a bunch.

hopeless

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 07:56:25 GMT

I want to be a part of his life
I want to be welcomed into his life
I want him to want me to be a part of his life
My need or want isn't good enough
I've been craving this relationship for two years
And I've never succeeded
I showed him a false side of me
I felt abandoned and betrayed
but I'm sure he felt satisfied

I want this so bad
Yet, he has no idea
I don't think he's ever realized how much I care
I know how perfect we would be together
I've always known
His blue eyes and tiny hands
I love the way that he holds them
or used to hold them

Now we only have small talk
no real connection
it died
and with it...a part of me did too
I miss him terribly
but he's moved on
he's happy- or at least I think so
I wouldn't really know

maybe one day he'll make me as happy and I know I can make him
or maybe not

I think I'm hoping for something impossible
I'm wasting my time being so upset
I'm wishing on a star,
but I know it will never come true

Hope is a gracious term, aligned with the faith that reason has a course to take

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 15:17:18 GMT

Busch Beer + taco express + late night cigarette = bad news

I ran into my old choir director
He kicked me out three years ago
we had one of those plastic-smile, meaningless,fake conversations
The one where neither person wants to say anything but does just to be polite
I think it's more polite to save both parties from such an awckward situation

Vanessa intrigues me
since summer, her and I have become rather tight
we always go in phases
of being not-so-close
to being oh-so-close
we went to lunch the other day and had the best conversation
"I'm sick of being this stereotypical teenager" she said
I loved it
I love that someone else feels it-
and isn't satisfied either

We talked about how there's so much more to do than just
attempt to look our best for anyone we see (praying we'll be better looking than someone)
go out to parties
get wasted
help eachother remember what happened the next day
We're so much more than that
There's so much more to us
We're going to denver on friday
we're going to go to the Art Museum...
I can hardly wait-
I love it there
I feel at peace when I look at art like that-
so I'm hoping it will set everything at ease once I'm there

I'm tired of trying to look good
I've completely given up
I'm suprised I ever even cared all that much in the first place
I suppose it's a typical girl thing
Plain t-shirts and jeans for me
no more doing my hair
no more wearing lots of make-up
I'm fine just being me-
I'm alright for now

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 08:44:29 GMT

I kept tripping today
Maybe I'm just klumzy
Maybe I don't want to pick up my feet
Maybe my body enjoys being as low to the ground as possible
I felt uneasy today
Out of touch with life
Like, I'm not winning the game
I lost the beauty lottery- and society is punishing me for it
I keep breaking myself down- and staying close to the ground.
I don't feel like standing back up only to anxiously await my next fall
If I just stay down here, maybe I won't ever fall again

I feel caught between the ocean and the storm- with no sight of shore

Hopefully tommorow my feet will walk more smoothly.
I'm tired of tripping

My head feels stuffy
I can't even explain emotion right now
SO many thoughts cloud my vision to percieve how I feel
I just don't feel right
I slept most of the day to try and escape whatever it is I'm feeling-
too bad my brutal dreams came as no relief.
I dreamt I was walking with george bush and a dog came up and bit my hand and wouldn't let go.
I asked bush for help and he laughed. he said, "I'm better than that".
Now I'm even more confused.

It seems like ever since walter's been back I haven't felt as good-
about anything.
He just has this disgusting ability to make me feel
unwelcome
alienated
I don't feel up to par
I'm sick of this unsatisfactory life

I need a cigarette

Why is my heart beating so fast?
I feel nervous for no reason
I've had this disgusting habit since I was a kid of picking the skin off my fingers whenever I'm nervous or uptight...
my one finger is bloody and raw.
It's painful but satisfactory and relieving

I need to see megan
it's been almost five days
I miss her
I'm having friend-withdrawals
I hope all is well
without her, I'm not as complete
maybe that's the explanation to why I've been in such a lame mood
who knows

The other night I was so shit-faced
I remember laying down on the bar, my vision so blurry
I watched the bubbles in my beer for what felt like forever
but I never got bored.
just stared at the bubbles and noticed the blurry orange hooters bottle-opener in the backround
strange night

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 04:00:47 GMT

He amazes me and inspires me everytime I hang out with him. Yet, today he made me sad. I realized that he's growing up- way faster than I am- and that he's moving on with his life. It no longer has me listed as a top priority. He told me that at the end of the month he's moving in with his girlfriend...and then in november he's moving to boston with her. He's my support and when I don't see him for a few days or a week I feel so incomplete. He's just one of those people to me that makes me feel secure and safe. I always know he's going to be there no matter what because he always has been. He's never bailed on me or backed out of a promise- he's always been 100% honest with me- and people like that are hard to find. What's better is that he's my brother. The thought of him leaving and living 4000 miles away is absolutely unberable to think of. What's worse is that I see her changing him. He's not the same person I used to know and have grown up with...he's slowly giving up the things he cherished for her. Is it right for someone to have the power to change another person? I guess if that other person allows it. I suppose it's what love does to a person. When he was telling about shit with her today I just aske him, "is she really that worth it?" and he was like, "yes she is." It was crazy- the last time I heard my brother say that the bitch broke his heart and it was really hard to see him so broken. He told me that he walks to her work everyday from his house and walks her home. What guy still does that? it sounds so old-fashioned to me and just makes me want to search all my life for that one person who would be willing to walk me home and carry my books. I just hope I'll find him- I haven't had any luck yet finding a boy that treats me right...and it gives me little inspiration that I ever will. Everyone says, "he's out there- you just have to look for him" but what if your so broken from past relationships that you just don't have the strength to care. Even though it feels like I don't care- I really do because that's why I'm thinking about it at all. One day I'll find him- because one day I will care bad enough to look and stop settling for less.

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 07:55:23 GMT

Tonight was so much fun...vanessa and I engraved our beer mugs that meg, vanezz, and I all got. They turned out nice and I can't stop drinking out of it. It's kinda sick though because I don't stop to wash it inbetween different liquids. ew- meh- just don't think about it. Then we went down to mexico way and saw matt for a little bit, continued the great night by seeing Dodgeball which was absolutely HILARIOUS. Then we went to meet cory, jake, james, walter, ryan and those guys down at a supposed party but it was actually just all of us hanging out and listening to music outside. ryan, walter, cory, james, vanessa and I all piled in vanessa's car and jammed to some nice music. The boys were so funny because they got so excited for songs like "sugar pie hunnie bunch" and the macarana. It was funny. And walter and I are all cool again which is a relief to just not have so much tension every where I go when I see him. He apologized again for a bunch of shit which I appreciated. SO yeah...it was a super fun night. Cory has the most hilarious laugh in the world- not that I can honestly make fun of ANYONES laugh- but it's right up there with mine. I like to call it the cowboy laugh...it's nice and high-pitched and chuckley. I love it. Those guys are so much fun- I love it. And tommorow is cowboys night- I'm not sure if I'm goin or not yet. All the guys said I could go with them but I've never gone without my group of girls and that might be a little awckward. And whenever I go to cowboys without megan- it just never seems to be as much fun- cowboys without megan just doesn't seem complete...but I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. I'm so sleepy and ready to break in the new DVD player...mmm sunny-D is so dank. it should be called sunny-dank. quote of the night, "Knights of Columbus!!!!" or "I'll just go put on the thong song..." or "Your gym is the kind where your not okay, i'm not okay, but it's okay. I know you, you know you, and I know you know I know you" ahhh sooo funny. "RAAAAAAHHHH" (bird call)

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 20:58:56 GMT

I've been getting some complaints about how I'm not very regular about this journal...so I'm doing a favor for those of you who read it. So much has happened since summer started and it's just so crazy. The word consistant is something foriegn to me. The problem is...it's hard to decipher if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Routine is something I don't want to fall into at my young age...but all this unexpected bullshit is never easy to handle either. Eh...I'm not gonna try and solve the worlds problems and confusion just yet...I'll wait till I can expose my identity as superwoman. Anyways...megan- I have needed to talk to you about a lot of shit lately and just haven't had a moment where we are alone or when it's appropriate. I apologize for making you feel left out when vanessa came with me instead of you. My mom asked her right in front of me without ever consulting me and it was just a misunderstanding. I had a blast with vanessa yes...but I did want you to come as well. The last thing I want you to think is that you did something and that's why I've been spending a lot of time with vanessa. Just because you have summer school or shit to do doesn't mean that changes anything between us. The time I spend with vanessa may be more than the time I spend with you...but the connection I have with you and the friendship I've built with you is much stronger and bigger. That will never change and you will always be my best friend. It's so difficult for me to find words to describe my appreciation and respect for you. What you've given me is unbelievable and no one will ever be able to understand that. I missed you so much when I was gone and was overjoyed just to see your smiling face again. You're one of the only people that has the ability to change my mood simply by the sight of you. I love you so much and don't want you to EVER think you're second best. Don't apologize for acting "gay" last night as you put it...because you weren't. I understand where you are coming from and I understand your frustration. But I won't leave you out...I won't ignore you or exclude you. Never. You are such a part of me and my life that the thought of you ever not being there is unberable. I'm so sorry that you feel not as connected with "us" or that you're getting "pushed out"...because at least in my eyes...that could never happen. You're still the closest to me and I would never intentionally push you away from me. You give my life importance. You give me meaning. I don't know what else to say. Oh, and I think you have so much potential. I see college as part of your future...and if not then I still believe your future is very bright. Just because you had some problems this year with school doesn't mean that you can't overcome that. And the grace and maturity you've shown because of it is amazing. I've definitely noticed that and have always believed you will go on to big and better things. Yep...well...big gulps ay? Cool. Alright then...SEE YA LATER! Haha...I love you so much kid and nothing will ever change between us- ever. I'd never let it, because if our friendship did change I would be heartbroken and the biggest mess- I'm way smarter than that. I know when I've found something good and I know when I don't have the strength to let it slip away- and you're exactly that to me. You could never slip away- you would have to kick my ass to get away from me- I'm stuck to you like glue baby. No gettin out of this one- haha. That sucks for you...haha.

Orthadontia

Wed, 19 May 2004 15:58:51 GMT

Gross...I wore my retainer last night for the first time in five months. It was so gross. Vanessa said I sounded like some sick kid and that my snoring was perposturous. She looked at me when I had it in and couldn't stop laughing. I do look pretty freaking sick with any orthadontia in my mouth. Thank god I don't have to be public about it anymore. Oh, by the way, sorry I didn't answer when you called last night meg- I was sleeping. Story of my life. I felt really bad for vanessa last night...her parents just randomly went out of town and didn't tell her where they were going. she felt all alone and I just felt way bad. She's such a great person but her family treats her like shit. She stayed the night with me again last night because I didn't want her to sleep at her house all by herself. That would feel so lonely I bet...being in your house all alone and having no clue where your family is. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that, and I give her so much respect for being so strong. Gotta hand it to her. At least it doesn't take much to cheer her up...just a retainer!

I'm still excited

Wed, 19 May 2004 15:51:24 GMT

Meggy- I am definitely feeling all of your excitment. Tonight is going to be sad at first- but hopefully we'll already be a little drunk at graduation. After parties are going to be amazingly fun! I really hope to spend time with ben, tony, and adam and all those guys. I saw chris schutt yesterday and he looked hotter than ever. He was at mexico way with blake, brad,and matt. He looked SOO good. Mmmm...wow. I love boys so much. So yeah- tonight is going to be a blast. I can't EVEN wait to just hang out with you. Guess who I'm getting this odd and completely unexpected crush on? Ryan muise...is that not the wierdest thing ever? It completely came out of no where but he's just so sexy I can't even resist. But as it is with a lot of guys that know my reputation...they're not very willing to date me. But I guess we'll just see how this one pans out. Mike hanyes told me the other night that he wanted to be with me and that was just really really unexpected. Mike and I have always sort of had a thing since last summer when we dated...but we've never been able to get it right. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have a relationship with someone so emotional. I love mike to death but he gets angry a lot- and I remember when we were dating how jelous he used to get. Although...I did a lot more shit when we were dating too...so I guess I can't blame him. I'm just at one of those states where so many boys are appealing to me right now. Maybe it's because I'm so excited for summer and I'm just ready to have fun or what- but so many boys I have little crushes on. And it's way fun. As long as I don't hurt anyone- which I won't. i'm just so excited for tonight! It'll be so way fun- and then yeah I have to take two gay finals on friday but after that it's offically summer and the extreme fun begins. Ahh...I'm lovin' it. I'm lovin' life. Meg- cowboys is gonna be OUTSTANDING! It'll be such a blast and i'm way excited for james and eryck and boys to all be there- that's always the best when you have sexy people to dance with. I love what good freaking white dancers we are- even though you still have me beat- but we're damn good. It's gonna be an amazing night to kick off the summer. Let's just not get too sad at graduation tonight...because I'm too happy right now to even think about being sad.