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"I Wish I Could Live on Air and Music"

Oct. 20th, 2004

11:44 pm

My life is completely different than it was a month ago. I lost some of my important friends. Got back another important friend. Became a devoted girlfriend. Became disgusted with high school. My perspectives on a lot of different things have changed in a lot of ways. I understand that I've changed too. I never expected that the slightly altered person I have become would affect such friendships that I always believed to be unbreakable. I never expected that someone who I always believed would accept me suddenly doesn't seem to care as much as they used to. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster...it's up in some parts of my life and down in others. I don't know how to make sense of everything anymore. I just thought people were different...I just though high school was different. But it's a dirty dark place. I go to my classes...I make it through so that I can graduate. Other than lunch with whitney sometimes, it's really rough. My locker partners don't even really look at me anymore...I've disgraced them, in thier eyes, and am no longer acceptable to them. I'm not worth the time it takes to acknowledge me and say hello. I'm not worthy of anything. So I moved out of that...it's ruining my days even more. Girls only dress up for one another...to be competative bitches and not really give a shit about boys- like they say. Everything is such a cover. I know exactly where I'm coming from when I say this but...I understand vanessa so much more right now than I did a few months ago. I was bitter towards her and hurt by her abandonment...but it's all so very clear to me now. She was already done with the high school scene long before I realized how pathetic it is. And now I owe her an apology. I think one day other people will realize all this too...I've matured and grown up over the last few months...and I will believe its for the better. I can only imagine what others are going to say in response to this post behind my back...because I probably would've said the same things too. Life is just really different...but I'm really happy with the majority of it. I am hurt that I lost megan- for whatever reasons and whosever fault- details are touchy- but i will miss her everyday...and i mean that- more than I mean anything else i just said. But I'm really glad that whitney and I worked everything out. I was scared to talk to her...and believed what I did was right, and therefore we could probably never get things right again. But we worked things out- and agreed on a lot of things. Other than that...i'm happy. i'm content. i'm getting by. i'll be alright.

Sep. 17th, 2004

12:31 pm

wow- it's been a long time since i've wrote anything on here...and so much shit has happened. it's insane that in a matter of weeks life can change so much. i suppose it happens all the time...and every week is different then the one before...but it's not something i've noticed so heavily until now. i love bike riding. it's so great. i have a badass bike named Ace (cus it's a ventura model) and it's so pimp. i love it. except hills really suck. "we're gonna be in shape stoners" adam said...haha too bad he won't be because his has an engine. motorized bike...haha-that rocks. adam would. i became a pot head...and then slowed down. haven't smoked in four days...but probably doin' it this weekend. i kinda knew it was getting to heavy and that it wasn't neccessary. it's more fun to do it on weekends when your with your friends...or on a killer badass stoned bike ride. those rock. i didn't mean to make megan feel second best or that she was more important...but i knew i was doing it all along- and just didn't see her persepctive fully. it's a two-way street on that argument and we comprimised the best we could. and now i feel so much better and more comfortable knowing things are okay between us again. it felt wierd knowing that she was so upset with me...but usually i was high anyways. i went to new york with my dad which was intense. my papa has alzhiemers...and it's super sad. i haven't seen him in 4 years...and he could barely remember my name. he asked me the same questions over and over again...and it was just super sad. he had no idea that i had a brother- that my dad had a son. one time he said, "everyone is here but me" when the whole family was over. it broke my heart that he's so concious of his condition. of all the things you can die from- that's gotta be one of the worst. even if your in prime physical condition- if you have no mind or real thought processes...what's the point? i can't imagine waking up and having no idea who i was, how i got there or anything about my life. dying without any trace of memory or what happened over the last 80 years. not a clue about life at all. and that's happening to my grandpa. it happened right before my eyes...it's so sad- and there's nothing anyone can do. kris and i seemed to be over and started up again before i realized it- and then over again with someone new just as fast. tyler is cool...i get along with him really well...but i had to laugh at his silk button-down the other night. he cracks me up. he has a bitchin' car. meh- we'll see. i want bobby. he's so hot. i want to be on him. too bad for me! story of my life. start my photo class next week. real excited. i'm gonna take so many pictures of dylan and kristopher. mmm can't wait. this was probably real boring to read. barely any emotion in it- but it was just an update during 6th period. i hate those abortion trucks down town. they nearly made me cry really hard. i well up every time i see them. i feel nauseous even thinking about it. that's so wrong, it's so very wrong to abuse that right. "extremely distasteful" as brian webb said yesterday when we hung out. i'm pretty sure he knows- he acted like it. meh. i miss my brother so much. it's something that i can't get used to. and he's moving in a month or so. hmm...nothign will change...nothing has changed. "i'm trapped in a boom-box of emotion. stored away in the attic. i'm only storage" remember that adam and whitney? its crazy...exactly how i feel about my relationship with nick now. we had no idea that the silly things we were saying held so much meaning. nuts. can't wait for this weekend. time to get crunk.

Aug. 18th, 2004

06:56 pm

To those of you who read that last entry, which i now deleated...disregard it. I'm a moron who gets overly excited over absolutely nothing. I feel so stupid. Why do i always do this to myself? god damnit...horrible way to start off my senior year.

on a lighter note and new subject- i'm so glad that i'm cool with everyone now. even though i'm pretty sure megan only called me to get all her shit back- it's cool. at least we're talking- and i had a good time with her for the half hour i did get to see her. i'm bummed she didn't call me last night to hang out though. oh well. it's really nice that whitney and i are talking again too...i really forgot how cool she is and how much fun we have together. she's tight...i love that girl. last night we got really faded- and it was a blast...that's the right way to start the school year- only it would've been a million times better had meg been able to stay and get sloshed with us. but it's okay- we'll have MANY other nights together! school tommorow...crazy. tommorow will be my last first day of high school. that's so badass. i'm definitely gettin' fucked up somehow at school tommorow. that'll be even more badass. i'm excited to see everyone and who's in my classes- it'll add a little excitement to my life.

Aug. 7th, 2004

12:06 am - Confused

So- whoever posted that comment is pretty much always on my mind. It's obviously one of the girls. I don't think it's vanessa because i have talked about her on live-journal before and i can tell she just doesn't give a shit. And I have talked about the other girls before when we were all getting along really well- i always talked about how great it was to have such an amazing circle of friends. So...i'm kinda lost. But...i do see thier side of it. I don't talk about meg-ma and whitney as much as i talk about megan. And i see what you're saying when you said that i have other friends too. but not lately. you guys certainly haven't been around. and once again, i didn't try to push you out of my life- you pushed me out just as much too. and i apologize if i talk more about megan than you guys- but she has been the only friend i've ever had in my life that hasn't fucked with me somehow. she has NEVER lied to me or put me through any type of shit. Not saying that you guys do it all the time- but it's certainly happened. i know that i can always depend on megan because she's never given me a single reason not to. simple as that. i care about you girls very much- and you can ask anyone that i'm so hurt that i've lost some of my friends this summer. i completely agree that i have other friends- not just megan as my best friend- i agree. and i feel it too- because i care about you sooo incredibely much. you're both amazing in your individual ways and that's why i've always remained friends with you...well until now- i guess. this has been really hard because i care so much. i don't know how many different ways i can say that. i don't know what i can say at all anymore. i miss you. sincerely- i do. i'm just stubborn. and so are you.

Aug. 3rd, 2004

04:49 pm

just got back from new mexico. i had a lot of fun. i had never traveled with meg before and it was a different experience but i think we learned more about one another and i definitely feel closer to her than ever. on the drive home i was staring at these clouds that looked perfect, directly out of a o'keefe painting, and just felt that sharp twinge of complete happiness. every now and again i feel it...that rare and completely pure emotion. It wasn't fake...i couldn't help but smile to myself and with my own thoughts...i just felt completely happy. there was no place i'd rather be- nothing i'd rather be doing- and no one i'd rather be with. i started thinking about how much i've changed in the last year...and how much i've grown up. what i used to be like- and what i'm like now. how different all my summer's have been from one another...and that my second to last one- is approacing a close. Thought about all i've been through, what i've put myself through- and what i've simply been subjected to. I thought about my awful relationships...but how much i got out of them...my "february experience" as i call it...and how painful that still is. It came to me that i never think about that- purposely to avoid the constant pain i deal with daily from that experience. It's too hard to even think about...i'd rather just forget about it- although it's not possible. Then i thought about the friends i've lost...and the pain of that. But realized that over the course of the year i've changed SO much. I might as well be a completely different person...and that maybe it just took some of my friends longer to go through that type of change- and that now after they've changed too- i just don't fit in to thier lives anymore. I need to stop being selfish and just accept that it happens. I suppose it just makes me sad because i never pushed one of them out of my life. But everyone's different i suppose. hmm. i don't even really know where i was going with that- but the trip was amazing. i really had a lot of fun- and got some super-cool shit. and more importantly - i learned more about myself and my best friend....i can't think how the trip could've been any better.

Jul. 26th, 2004

02:38 am - upset

We "did lunch" on friday. vanessa and i. and it was just as it sounds...very formal and buisness-like. there didn't seem to be any emotion between the two of us anymore. like suddenly the bizarre connection we used to have got cut short. we didn't laugh. which used to be rare. she told me, "i just love the people i hang out with now". ouch. she doesn't hang out with me- which says it all. suddenly her new friends are better than me...and she's having a great or better time than she did when we used to hang out. ouch. what's wrong with me? what makes them better? what makes me no longer good enough? she used to make me feel special and unique...now she acts as if she's as it's a priveledge to see her. and it used to be. but not anymore. not when she's this new person. not when she's changed so much. i can't put my finger on how she's different exactly or how our relationship changed...but it did. i know that for sure. everything is just completely different. she said, "it's funny how all of us kinda split apart." well i'm not laughing...and if she is- well then that sucks. because i'm super hurt and crying. i responded, "everyone split apart from me" and she said that's not true. except it is...she just doesn't want to admit she did it too. i'm so hurt. a piece of me has died. in her. in that friendship that no longer has meaning. the rememberance of it does...but i see no future. it hit me that was probably the last time i'll ever hang out with her...we'll talk, we'll be aquaintances...but we won't be friends. which sucks...i can't let myself realize this and let go. it's too hard. after all i've done, and all i've given to that girl. i have never left her side and the times when i did hurt her i was so sorry and promised it would never happen again- and it didn't. i thought i meant so much to her...now i'm an obligation. she still cares enough to try and make the effort to see me in the attempt to not make me feel forgotten...but it's definitely too late. it feels horrible. she has a new life- that she's happier in- and i'm not invited. i'm really glad that she's happy though- she definitely deserves it- i really want her to be happy. it just sucks that i can't be the friend to do that anymore. i never imagined this would be so hard...and it would hurt so bad- but it does. "if i told you this was killing me, would you even stop?"

plus on top of all this shit...i'm so pissed that i got in a car accident. my car is mangled and i have to wait to get it fixed. it probably won't get fixed till i get back from my trip with megan...which sucks really bad because we had so many plans. concerts, film on the rocks, baseball games, fort collins, now it seems impossible. and it sucks. i'm just so glad it wasn't any worse. because it easily could've been. the first thing i thought of was, "im so glad megs not here". if she was in the car and the situation was any worse...it would've been her that got hurt not me. and i'm so glad she wasn't there. you just have to be thankful no one got hurt....i don't know what i would've done with myself. it's just a car...something material- and it's getting fixed. so it'll be okay. i can't wait to see danielle tommorow and see her new puppy! she's one of the most amazing people i know- and i've missed her a lot this summer. i'm so glad we talked today- it meant a lot. more than she realizes i'm sure.

Jul. 21st, 2004

02:33 am

Time just dissolves. It's like these particles are swirling away. It's like i'm living fast, or time is, but never both simultaneously.

Either I feel like i'm doing too much at one time and I don't have the time to control it, or time is completely passing me by without my acknowledgement of it. But never can i seem to balance it out.

It's funny that every seven years every cell in our body has completely regenerated...so we have basically been made over and become new people several times over. Technically that is, in terms of biology. It's crazy that throughout all that regeneration we can still remain the same people because of the experiences and our ability of memory. We don't actually become new people...only the superficial part of us is made new.

Jul. 19th, 2004

07:51 pm

In my last post i recieved a comment that told me not to be a dreamer, because dreamers always chase thier dreams and never get them. However, I think that's the worst thing to say to anybody. Don't dream. You won't get anywhere. You'll search your whole life chasing your dream but it will never get accomplished. I understand what you're saying that with all thought and no action you will never end up anywhere...however without any dreams- you will have no place to base any action. Everyone should be a dreamer...dream of new worlds and new opportunities...new ways to change things. Without dreamers, our world would be a horrible, unconstant, and rarely positive changing place. Dreamers are to be required...and i enjoy being one of them. I have many dreams, but I also have huge intentions on achieving every single one of them.

Because if the world that we are forced to accept is false and nothing is true, then everything is possible. And only dreamers can discover these possibilities.

The world is an exam to see if we can rise into direct experience. Our eyesight is here as a test to see if we can see beyond it.

Jul. 18th, 2004

07:13 pm - I don't want to be an ant

I don't want to be an ant
you know?
I mean it's like we go through life with our antenna's bouncing off one another, continuously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically four survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?" "Credit or debit?" "Want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up.
I don't want to be an ant.
You know?

07:07 pm

Mobes said he saw vanessa last night
at an art show
with two girls he didn't know
she claims she's "really into that stuff now"
i haven't been convinced
i think she's realized that she's not the most well-rounded person
but is that such a bad thing
some people don't grow up being deep thinkers
or enjoying art
and creative music
some others do
i think she's trying to force her personality to become more "artsy"
and in turn...
it's making me like her a little less
because now she believes she's better
that her life is richer because she goes to an art show
and a couple concerts
i've been doing that shit since i was little-
but i don't rub it in people's faces
suddenly us girls aren't good enough for her new life
her new artistic life
we don't fit in
she probably labels us as too stereotypical
obviously she never knew me at all then
obviously she only looks at things for thier superficial nature
if that's true
she will never be truely "artsy"
and will bring shame to those that are
because she will be faking it
a poser
good luck with that
in the meantime...
just leave those that really care
and really know who you are
that's cool
i don't know if i'll be here when you return

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